Many people are taught to use consensus building language in business. Women, in particular, tend to shy away from emphatic statements instead preferring inclusive language to bring everyone along. We often opt for a business style of speaking and writing that is courteous – not powerful.
For decades, I would communicate with the courtesy scripts that had been drummed into my head until I listened carefully at how respected tech leaders, (usually men,) communicated in their everyday work. I realized their scripts were far different than mine. Their way of speaking and writing was framed in a powerful context – able to be inclusive but equally powerful at the same time.
This is when I started to pay attention to how I said things or expressed myself in emails. I started to rewrite the scripts of decades into a new way to communicate that allowed me to demonstrate competency and compassion, emphaticalness with empathy.
These adjustments may take you out of your comfort zones for a little but, with practice, you will become very comfortable in your new found assertiveness. More than that, once you adopt these power plays expressions into your vocabulary, you will realize how liberating they really are.
Words are not just tools to change other people’s minds, they shape how we see ourselves too.
Here, then, are common expressions that will “sound right” to many of you but are actually disempowering you. With just some conscious attention and a bit of tweaking, you can revise your go-to way of communicating to sound more confident, powerful, and noteworthy.
What we usually say: “I have to get back to you on that… “
What we should say instead: “I’ll get back to you.”
Why it matters: The old way suggests you are not fully empowered to make something happen. The new way, subtely, makes you fully empowered.
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What we usually say: “I wish I could do that …“
What we should say instead: “I can’t do that but I can do this …”
Why it matters: This power play puts the dynamics of the exchange back in your control.
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What we usually say: “Maybe it’s just me but I don’t agree with that …”
What we should say instead: “I don’t agree because… “
Why it matters: Confidence means you don’t qualify your opinion. Your POV has merit because you have merit. Variations of this type of expression to watch out for include: “In my opinion” or “I am convinced…” State your opinion unequivocally and unapologetically.
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What we usually say: “Don’t take this the wrong way but …”
What we should say instead: “I understand but I don’t agree because… “
Why it matters: Powerful people are empathetic but not shy in stating their position.
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What we usually say: “It’s not our fault we missed the deadline. Here’s what happened… “
What we should say instead: “The deadline was dependent on outside factors but here is how we get it back on track…“
Why it matters: The ultimate power play is to own up to misfires but also be prepared with a clear plan on how to make it right.
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What we usually say: “I can do that…”
What we should say instead: “I will do that…”
Why it matters: By just changing one word – “can” to “will,” we let the other person understand we can get it done. The word “can” is weak and leaves the final outcome in doubt.
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What we usually say: “Let’s see how this can work out…”
What we should say instead: “The way to make this work is…” (with an immediate articulation of a plan or other proactive action.)
Why it matters: Proactiveness is a power play. Waffling is not. While you don’t want to overpromise, you do want to convey how to move forward.
The ultimate power play is to communicate with confidence and respect for others. It is about being proactive and moving the conversation forward by eliminating most “qualifiers” and making your position or perspective clear and simply.
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What we usually say: “Can you give me a minute… ”
What we should say instead: “I need a minute…”
Why it matters: If you need a moment – for whatever reasons, you don’t need anyone’s permission – take it. Don’t wait for someone to “give it” to you.
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The ultimate power play is to communicate with confidence and respect for others. It is about being proactive and moving the conversation forward by eliminating most “qualifiers” and making your position or perspective clear and simply.
Language is the ultimate power play – available to everyone to yield to maximum effect.
